your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
