looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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