so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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