I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
