u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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