i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
