Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
