Umm I'm too high to move.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
