My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
