i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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