I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You smell like stripper and shame
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
