Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
