Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
