Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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