Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
