Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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