My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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