i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
