Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
