my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
40s are totally the cure
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
