I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
