you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
