Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
