Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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