Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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