My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Found the puke drawer
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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