He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
