Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
