i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
