I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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