My cat gives me a boner
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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