I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
