Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
