I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just cut my nipple shaving
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
