He told me they were just razor bumps!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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