i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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