When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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