Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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