Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
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