my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
