you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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