Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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