I seem to have left my pride at pride
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
