Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
