Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
