Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
