he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
