theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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