Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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