I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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