Apparently you make a good broom.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
