wanna go halves on a baby?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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