Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
