i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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