I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
