Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
