Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
