after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
