I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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