Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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