Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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