yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
