his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
