You're completely useless in the revolution.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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