The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
