I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
