ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
