You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
