guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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