while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize