I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
