are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
